THE ATMOSPHERE OF A CHRISTMAS

Hello...helloo....what's up bro & sist??!!

it's been a very long time, busy....and long vacation...pfuih..........

rasanya sampe muak juga gue libur seminggu gitu gak kemana2...........

But it was so cool, aku menikmati banget kemaren stay at home, with my husband......we cleaned all over the corner at my house, nyetrika pakaian yang udah sebulanan kali tuh gak disetrika, more time to play piano...(uuhh, I got new technic to play piano, hahahaha....a ridiculous way of technic of course!!), more time to cook...tepatnya learn how to cook, hehehhe...and I have had much time to be together with my husband, trying to find what the missing thing between us (will speak about this later in next blog), and of course lebaran ke tempat saudara, tetangga...dari yang nggak kenal sama tetangga kiri kanan jadi kenalan....

Tapi sebelnya, kemaren itu liburan yang hujan terus...jadi agak2 males juga, bawaan pengen tiduran aja, pake selimut, nonton tv, sambil makan.....woo layaknya kayak di villa2 aja....

But today, when everything and the whole life start stretching up, and thanks Lord Jesus for giving us a very beautiful day, the sun shine so brightly, and the wind.....aduuhhh...aku seneng banget karena waktu keluar rumah mau berangkat ke kantor, waktu aku menghirup udara, bau udara natal udah kerasa........mmmhhhh...it gave me a new spirit to start the day...whatever it is, kalo aku udah menghirup bau natal gitu it's cheer me up always!(kaya aromatherapi aja yach...)

Bau natal itu kayak apa sih??!! hehehhe...aku juga nggak ngerti...yang jelas matahari pasti bersinar cerah, tapi udara yang kita hirup dan yang kita rasain itu sejuuuuukkkkkk banget....gimana ya neranginnya, kayaknya yang bisa merasakan cuma gue sendiri deh...hihihihi...

I always can feel the atmosphere of a Christmas like that every year before Christmas time coming, and the good thing that it always gives me a new spirit, happiness and joyfull.....like something beautiful is waiting for me, uuhh...it's damn right!!

I do not know why, but emang dari dulu aku suka memperhatikan, merasakan, mengagumi, atau entah apalah itu namanya, sesuatu yang aku rasakan, yang aku lihat dari alam ini....aku suka liat bulan, apalagi kalau bintangnya banyak bertaburan di langit......aku bisa kegirangan kayak anak kecil......aku bisa lari ke halaman belakang untuk menikmati selama yang aku mau...

Aku juga selalu menanti2kan udara natal yang aku ceritakan tadi, dan ada lagi nih....tiap masuk bulan September (bulan aku berulang tahun), itu kan udah mulai ada hujan2nya tuh...suka yang mendung2 gitu, tapi seperti janji Tuhan, fajar itu nggak akan terlambat datang, walaupun mendung, tapi matahari pasti muncul, dan munculnya itu cantiiiiiiikkk banget, dia muncul menampakkan dirinya dengan utuh......bentuknya bulat penuh tanpa cahaya yang berpendar....awal2 muncul warnanya masih oranye agak pucat, terus...terus....bulat utuh dengan warna orange cerah....kayak jeruk sunkist....wooooww cantiiiiiiiik banget......

Untungnya, rumahku itu menghadap ke timur, dan kalau pergi kerja juga menuju ke timur, jadi kalau hari Sabtu or Minggu matahari muncul seperti itu, aku menikmatai dari teras rumah, sampai si sunny itu (matahari maksudnya) akhirnya memucat dan memunculkan cahayanya, hingga tidak mungkin lagi untuk dilihat......begitu juga kalau mau ke kantor...sepanjang jalan aku pasti full concentration menikmati si sunny......kadang2 sampai aku di kantor dia masih seperti itu......untungnya lagi mejaku di kantor nempel ke jendela yang menghadap ke timur.....so I really enjoy.........dan walaupun terjadi berulang kali seperti itu, aku nggak pernah bosan menatap ke atas sana......

Kalau sudah seperti itu, aku jadi ingat lagu.."JanjiMu seperti fajar pagi hari, yang tiada pernah terlambat bersinar......"

And now, suamiku jadi suka juga menikmati hal2 yang seperti itu.....kalo aku seorang penyair atau seniman bisa2 yang kayak gitu itu menjelma jadi puisi, syair, lirik lagu atau apalah ya....sayangnya aku nggak bisa, aku cukup merasakan aja indahnya aturan tata surya yang diciptakan Tuhan itu.........and I always give thanks!!!

Did you ever see that, all the items like moon, the twinkle little star, the sun, and the air, the fresh air............let's see and feel that together, you should try!!!

a very beautiful love from me to you all....

WHAT A ...............DAY

Kalo udah ketemu hari Sabtu, paling buat aku bingung......

padahal kegiatan aku udah sengaja dibikin banyak......

mulai dari tadi pagi, gue harus bangun cepat karena David ngajar piano mau jam 8 pagi.....

abis les piano, gue masukin baju ke mesin cuci, terus nyetrika dikit.......

udah selesai semua..........

after that, I was driving to my shop, try to check the stuff......and everything's ok....

then, got lunch with my husband,..............

and now going home by myself.......feeling lonely.....try to find some excitement with the internet.......nothing different......

'my big problem' never ended......so what am I gonna do???!!

Today is so nice, everything's goes right, our big guy goes to Jakarta, so a little bit relax...

Mulai dari awal minggu ini aku udah pengen nulis di blog, apa yang aku lihat, aku rasain, udah pengen aku tulis, tapi..........sepanjang minggu kerja gak ada henti2nya, semuanya sibuk.....

Udah mulai buka blogger dipanggil sama bos, kerja lagi, panggil lagi......dan paling sebel itu, bosku jatuh cintanya sama aku pas sore hari, mulai dari jam 4 mulai deh tuh telepon, sementara jam segitu orang udah pada siap2 mau pulang kan........

Hari Rabu, malah kita pulang jam 11 malam, ngejar supaya perpanjangan kredit dan permohonan baru & tambahan bisa sesuai target waktu............gua bingung, siapa ya yang bisa diajak ngobrol malem2 gitu, yah akhirnya gue telepon aja mbak Dian jam 10 malam, yang udah pasti mau mulai tidur.......ngobrol sebentar bos gue datang mendekat......yah sudahlah, kerja lagi.........

Akhirnya apa yang mau dituliskan di blog, yang udah diformat di kepala, buyaaaaarrrr semua.......kliknya udah gak dapet, emosinya udah gak kena.........

Nah, hari ini nih, agak nyantailah.....kerjaan gak begitu heboh, big guy ke Jakarta, jadi rasa rajin kita juga ikut ke Jakarta.......tapi yang mau ditulis juga udah buyar, jadi gua bingung juga mau nulis apaan lagi.....

Alright, gua mau cerita aja kalo sebulan yang lalu gua dinyatakan hamil, tapi.............jatuh lagi!!! Sama kayak tahun 2001, 5 months after married ternyata gue katanya hamil, udah gak datang bulan, tapi gak sadar, teuteup aja kerja, kuliah, olahraga, eh..tiba2 keluar aja flek, darah kental.....dan harus dibersihkan, untungnya gak harus dikuret.......aduuuhhhhhh serem banget sih.....gak deh kalo mau kuret2an........

Nah, bulan lalu kejadiannya sama, tapi kali ini gue tau kalo gue udah gak datang bulan, tapi gue gak berpikir ke hamil atau apa gitu....teuteup juga main bulu tangkis, renang.......ikutan ngerjain bisnis yang sekarang, yah kayak biasa ajalah......ternyata gue udah berdarah2 sampai dirumah pulang dari renang hari Sabtu........what the bloody hell happen to me???

Gue udah yang langsung lemas gitu, tapi untung kata dokternya masih belum jadi janin, masih gumpalan darah saja, apalah itu namanya, jadi.....thanks God, gak perlu di kuret........

Tapi, yang anehnya, atau....apa ya...gue sendiri heran, gue gak ngerasa sedih atau menyesal gitu, malah gue anteng aja, gue gak ngerasa itu jadi beban, gue malah kesel kenapa harus ribet2 kayak gitu........pusing gue urusan kewanitaan ini, belum lagi tiap bulan harus datang bulan, ribet mikirin perlu pake pembalut gak ya, ntar mulai hari pertama pake pembalut eh..datengnya dikit, sekali gak pake di hari pertama datangnya ngucuuuuurrrr gitu........belum lagi sakitnya badan semua pas lagi datang....sementara harus kerja juga........wuuaaduuhhh.....ribet benar......

Aku kira, mungkin..mungkin nih.......Tuhan tau kali ya aku kerepotan untuk urusan kewanitaan gitu.....hehehheh.....tapi kenapa wanita2 lain bisa ya, berarti aku tidak setangguh mereka dong.....

Gue ingat ada sodaraku, yang tiap tahun ceprat..ceprot.... ngelahirin anak terus, sampe anaknya 9 orang......aacchhh.....hell no man......macam pula punya anak 9 orang gitu ya, soalnya gua gak kebayang sih dalam satu rumah bisa seramai itu karena aku cuma atu-atunya anak ortuku, jadi sampe sekarang itu gue gak bisa yang rame2 gitu, pls deh......

Tapi, itu sih bicara tentang berkat Tuhan ya, toh aku juga nggak menolak kalaupun aku diberi keturunan, buktinya toh hamil juga, walaupun hilang lagi.......suamiku, menurut pengakuan dia, juga tidak mempermasalahkan, katanya, tapi isi hati orang meskipun suami sendiri, siapa yang tau kan............emang sih yang aku tau, suamiku itu sejak jaman dahulu kala, adalah orang yang paliiiiiiiiiiiiiiingggg sabar, paliiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnngg baik, paliiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnggg bisa mengerti, jadi gue sih percaya2 aja......

Dalam budaya Batak, katanya, suami yang tidak mendapat keturunan dari istrinya, mau juga cari keturunan dari yang lain......karena laki2 Batak itu katanya harus punya keturunan......wooops....ahhhh..sebodo amat lah, gue sih sementara ini yakin dengan suamiku, tapi kalo seandainya itu terjadi.....lebih baik disilahkan aja kali ya...hehheh...

Dan selain cerita di atas, aku mau cerita lagi kalo sepanjang minggu ini I really miss Jo, itu mungkin banyak waktu2 aku yang sering sendiri, jadi sering merasuki pikiran....

Kayak hari minggu lalu, aku sendirian, udah ke mall, udah latihan piano sampe bosan (karena gak bisa2..hehehhe), udah telepon David (guru privat piano-ku) nanya2 apalah, udah baca2 buku, udah nonton sampe bego....udah nyoba tidur, gak bisa juga menghilangkan rasa kangen ke Jo.......akhirnya gue tidur juga setelah jam 2 pagi dini hari......

Aku udah minta sama Tuhan, tolong jauhkan dia dari pikiran aku, itu hanya berlaku sesaat aja, ntar lagi nimbul lagi.......waduuuhhhh...bingung aku, jadi sekarang kubiarkan aja berjalan seperti itu, orang yang dikangeni aja juga gak tau apa2, bahkan mungkin kalo ngebaca ini paling bilang "kasian deh lu...." (his magic words), jadi yah sudah dibiarkan aja seperti itu.....mudah2an suatu saat rasa itu hilang sendiri.........

Hey Jo, sorry ya......

Cheers

THE TALE OF MUMBO JUMBO!!

Kemaren aku kesal sama Jo karena hal sepele aja, tapi dibilang sepele juga cukup membuat aku gak tahan emosi........

sore hari kebetulan dia telepon aku disaat aku nulis di blog, jadi pada saat dia ngomong gua langsung nyerocos aja ngomel......saat itu aku gak sadar dia itu bukan siapa2ku sehingga aku merasa layak aja ngomel sama dia.........padahal seandainya saat itu aku sadar bahwa dia hanya kenalan biasa, teman karena sama di Mandiri, mungkin aku gak bersikap seperti itu sama dia.................

Beberapa teman setia blogku memberikan komentar yang beragam, dari yang mendukung sampai yang gak setuju, terutama mbak Diedie (thanks coy!), tapi aku senang karena mbak Die lebih dewasa dari aku jadi bisa kasih "wejangan" yang cukup manjur dan sedikit banyak mengakomodir segala kegalauan......cieee........belagu luu.........

Mbak Die bilang,"Kamu kayaknya lebih membesarkan rasa bencimu ke dia ketimbang rasa persahabatan, coba kamu bayangin indahnya persahabatan kalian yg singkat dulu jgn dirubah jadi benci, dari situ masih keliatan kamu sebenarnya berusaha membohongi dirimu, & itu gak bakalan banyak membantu kamu, aku tau apa yg membuat kamu seperti itu, kamu pengen bisa ngelupain dia secara instan, ya gak bisalah say...coba tanya hati kamu saat ini apa sih yg masih kamu rasain, kalo msh sama biarkan saja rasa itu tetap disitu tapi jgn disiram & dipupuk lagi pasti dia layu sendiri, tenang deh Ta kamu pasti bisa. Slm sayang.....eeh tp aku penasaran, sekian lama dgr cerita kamu, tp aku gak tau wajahnya, ada picnya gak, tlg ditayangin ya...hehe"

Thanks mbak Die, mbak Die banyak benernya, emang aku maunya secara instan, tapi bener mbak bilang makin pengen cepat diilangin makin susah prosesnya, ya begini ini......I know......

Buat Jo, kalo lo ngebaca blog ini, aku mohon maaf yang sebesar2nya karena aku kemaren kasar sama kamu..........forgive me ya.......

Thanks

JUDUL MASIH DIPIKIRI..........

Cukup lama ya aku nggak nulis disini, kangen aku...................

Tapi aku sebenarnya capek banget, makanya belum punya ide mau nulis apa........

Buat Jamie, thanks banget ya atas supportnya dan "pencariannya" atas tulisan2ku, buat Mbak Diedie juga....tapi minggu lalu kita udah ketemu kan waktu aku di Jakarta......thanks juga buat supportnya mbak.....sorry banget mbak kemaren itu bukan gak mau ditemeni, tapi urusan gue agak banyak kemaren jd gak enak ngerepotin mbak yu.....gitchuu..loooh..

Aku sekarang lagi merintis usaha baru, jadi akhir minggu masih bolak balik Medan Jakarta, jadi secara fisik pun capek juga & duit habis juga......tapi puji Tuhan hasilnya udah kelihatan.....mudah2an bisa berjalan dengan lancar.........

Segala sesuatunya kalau mau buka usaha yang pasti perlu modal, jadi saat ini ya begitu dulu deh.......cuma aku senang banget aku cepat dapat partner & hasilnya cepat keliatan.....

Padahal kemaren aku diwanti2 sama suami takutnya modalnya lama baliknya, tapi nyatanya baru satu bulan tidak hanya modal yang balik, bahkan gue udah mendapat keuntungan.....thanks God!!

mmmhh......sebenarnya hari ini pun aku masih capek, dan belum pengen nulis di blog.....tapi yang mengusik aku hari ini adalah SMS nya Jo.......atau tepatnya balasan SMS dari dia......

Tapi aku pikir2 kenapa aku harus terusik sih......aku bersyukur banget dalam sekian bulan ini aku udah "sembuh" dari segala macam pikiran tentang dia, aku sudah kembali seperti semula, aku udah kembali main piano, aku udah kembali berpikir waras........aku sekarang malah udah bisa sms dia untuk hal-hal yang bersifat informasi, tapi itu pun sebenarnya tidak hanya untuk dia, tapi aku kirim ke semua teman2 yg no HP nya ada di aku.........jadi aku SMS dia & teman2 bukan untuk memancing dia untuk SMS aku lagi, gituuu looohh......aku SMS mereka semua hanya untuk menyampaikan informasi, bahkan tidak mengharapkan balesan, karena itu sifatnya hanya informasi...........

Tapi..ok deh, ini petikan SMS:

Pitta : "Udah pada dgr blm anak2 sdp skrg pendidikannya 4 bln, stlh mrk br para mantan sdp ditraining lg, mulai bln mrt 2007 dgn sistem pddkan yg sama tp brp lama blm tau.."

Jo : "Yg terakhir itu baru dgr, gimana dengan sistem salary?"

Pitta : "Oh kl itu aku gak tau.." (kira2 gitu deh)

Jo : "Wah telat tuh"

Pitta : "Iya gpp deh, pkknya kl ada informasi tak forward ke teman2, tp kl aku ketinggalan berita berarti yg punya berita gak forward ke aku but no big deal lah...."

Jo : "Hua..ha..hhaa.."

Pitta : "Gak ngaruh lg lo mau ngakak kek apa kek..."

Artinya apa sih.....kl dia bisa bilang "wah telat tuh" yang aku tangkap mungkin dia tau informasi itu, apa salahnya juga kl dia sampaikan,lebih bermanfaat toh dibanding dia hanya ketawa ngejek gitu, atau kalau gak mau menyampaikan ya nggak usahlah ketawa2 gitu, kok kayak ngejek banget.......

Aku juga bilang "Iya gpp deh, pkknya kl ada informasi tak forward ke teman2, tp kl aku ketinggalan berita berarti yg punya berita gak forward ke aku but no big deal lah...", itu bukan berarti menunjuk ke dia seorang, kan bisa aja informasi dari teman yang laen, jd bukan karena aku mengharapkan info dari dia aja, gitu looohhh..jadi nggak perlu juga kirim sms yg ketawa gitu, aku ngerasa seperti diejek......

Kalau nggak mau kasih informasi nggak ada masalah di aku, cuma gak usah yg kayak ngejek gitu.....aku kirim SMS tadi itu juga hanya untuk menyampaikan informasi dan itu ke beberapa teman, bukan cuma ke kamu aja JO, jadi bukan karena pengen kamu bales2 SMS aku, yaa....

Biar kamu tau JO, minggu lalu aku kirim SMS nanya "lagi di Jakarta apa nggak" (karena aku lagi di Jakarta), itu bukan cuma ke kamu gue kirim, tapi ke beberapa teman yg laen.........jadi aku kirim SMS itu bukan karena pengen kamu bales2 SMS aku, kl dibales ya syukur, nggak juga nggak masalah.........ya.....

Soriiiiiiii..........gue emang lg marah nih.........

Tapi itu sih keinginan gue, dan bukan keinginan gue yang harus terjadi kan......tahan emosi deh....

THE OTHER STORY OF THIS WHOLE LIFE

The last five days were kind of good vacation for me, cause there were so many things that I never do before, I could do, such as cleaned my house, although I did it by myself, cause my husband went to Palembang ...hehehehhee..

But the best time was with the two ladies, my old friends.....never had enough time with them this recent five years maybe, but on last Thursday, at the independence day, we had have the best quality of meeting, chatting, laughing, and tearing.......

They are both friend of mine since we were little girls till adolescent, the same age, but definitely different characters. That time, I was so happy with them, we spent our time for about 7 hours, from 2pm-8pm at Sun Plaza, we got lunch at Cabe Rawit Food Court, chatting all about our life, giggling together, our laugh bursting all over the place, but we didn't care, there were so many people there, so....a little bit chaotic........

Ok, let me tell ya about both of them, first is Risma.

She is the same age as me, we were born at the same month and year. When we were little girls, we live not so far, and of course we were so close, I knew her family so well, she has 2 brothers, and we spent so many times together until we both got into the college.....She has a maternal manner, so modesty, soft voice, the one who always got torn first, someone who always avoid problems, just keep silent with all the problems, a very good girl....and unfortunately always had problems since she was a little girl, I mean she was not the problem, but the people around her, her father, and her brothers. So it shaped her become an introvert girl, until now.

She is a Sarjana Peternakan from Univ. HKBP Nommensen, and she married a man from the same university, Sarjana Teknik Sipil. I knew all the way they passed through since they were just a lover, until they got married.

When they got married, her husband was jobless until now, and a month before they got married, her husband instructed her to resign from her job, then they stay with his parents and she took care her mother in law....I just can say,"What, are you damn crazy, and you follow what he want???"

2 years after they married, they got a baby girl, but 3 months later died because of demam berdarah, so tragic, and I was so painful because I couldn't be there beside her cause I was in Jakarta for a duty. And it might become one of the reason her husband more down........but is it really should be like that??! There are so many chance for her husband to get better job, but he always reject them all, and now he becomes a "penarik beca bermotor" in Medan......imagine a Sarjana Teknik Sipil, become a "penarik beca bermotor", while she obligingly takes care of his sick mother at home, damn it........

And when we got to Sun Plaza, she was blinking, not sure what she saw, she overtly admire at that place, I asked why, she answered that she never come and look Sun Plaza..............now it's my turn to blink out, even shocked, not sure what I've heard,"oh my gosh, what are you talking about? this place is not too far from your residence, and u said u never come & look into this place? pls tell me your best reason to explain that!!"

She just answered overtly again,"My husband never took me here, never took me to Plaza Medan Fair, never took me to Merdeka Walk, never took me to anything, anywhere! He just think about narik beca, narik beca & narik beca, and I just stay at home take care my mother in law, boil her bathwater, and cook for our meal.............."

I just stare at her for a few second, not sure what to speak up, and at last I said,"Why don't you go by yourself, see the world out of your residence?" And this is the"answer of the year", she told us,"I don't have money, I can join you right now, cause my sister in law came to our house, and she give hand for me to take care their mom"

======================================

After got some lunch at Cabe Rawit Food Court, we moved to look some stuffs at SOGO, at some stores, boutique, not to buy something, just take a look some good stuffs, and saw BAIM (ex ADA BAND's vocalist) showed at the atrium. After it's over, as if we didn't want to end that day together, then I took them to DOME, cause I thought there will be 50% off for Mandiri Visa, so no problem.....we'll get more better place & time there..

And we talked more serious there, more as an adult speaking, about our life, our friend, and for the marriage plan for Elsa.

Elsa is the same age either as me, but different month of birth. We live still at the same street, but far from my house. I also knew her family well, she has 3 brothers & 4 sisters, so they are 8 siblings. So many...hahahha... She's kind of a gregarious girl, modesty, tomboy same as me, easy to laugh, we have some similar manner, laughing outloud, joking, but her similar manner with Risma is keep her problems by herself, cannot speak up her mind to someone else.......

She is still single, but will get married on November 2006, and post graduated as Sarjana Teknik Informatika Univ. Sisingamangaraja, and stay and work in Batam for this recent five years, first at a company, the company closed, then she found a job as a teacher, the school closed too, the last she found a job as a kindergarten teacher until last month, and the kindergarten closed too.......pity.....and she got home to Medan, the best time she got to prepare her marrieage.

His husband to be works in Batam also, in a steel company as a Human Resource officer. She said that they really in love, and 3 times canceled their marriage cause of some kind of problems, and she doesn't want this year canceled again.........but she still afraid, wary to prepare the plan for their marriage, maybe a kind of traumatic for the last 3 times canceled.

When we finally met last Thursday, she didn't know where we have to hang out, so when she came & saw Sun Plaza, she just blinking same as Risma, but I can take it for granted, cause she spent her time in Batam, so maybe she didn't updated with all the growing time in Medan.

When we were at DOME, there was a call to her cell phone, after seeing it, she got up from her chair and take a distance to answer it.....I asked her, why she should do like that, and she answered that it was from her boy friend, he didn't like her hangout with some other else except him, so that's why she had to lie to him, she told him that she was at the other place, not with us......

It's really shocked me, and obviously make me angry,"what did u do? why did u lie to him, why didn't u tell him the truth, tell him that u r with ur friends here, are u gonna live with his way of life, do you think it's the figure of his love, stupid girl!! Don't u think that u have your own life, just like him?! Do u really believe that now, when u sit here with us, he just alone there in Batam, in his room, waiting for you by himself???!!! I don't think so, bego...Think about yourself, you have so many choices in your life to be with whom, damn u.....and you love a guy that tightened you up like that, I can't believe it.....go to hell!!"

As always, Risma took place to calming me down, and Elsa ask for sorry, after calming down, finally I ask apologize with her, and she made me laugh again with her jokes and everything flow normal again.........

She asked how we pass through our marriage life, and Risma said be careful, cause marriage won't be the same like just being lover.....everything should be beautiful before marriage, but when you've got married everything will change...everything!!

I just told her a feeling and an experience of mine, that there was a time when I feel better when I was alone.....and I wanna be alone.....and I told her so many things could be happened to my heart and to my life when I was in deep problems.....but it depends on my self which way I wanna go through.......so many choices in life, which one your best way??!!

==================================

Satisfying with our hang out time, we decided to got home, and I took them home....and I got home too......got home back to our life.....

Risma with her maternal way, introvert, full of tear....Elsa with her cheering up manner, and I, who always think can face this world by myself.......

That's life, so many stories about this life, I muse it over and over again.......we going through a very different way of life but seems each way has its own problem.........

How about your life??!!

OFFICIAL DUTY PLUS REFRESHING

Yuhhuuu...I'm back! Here I am right now.......

Last week I was in Jakarta for an official duty a.k.a a course..hehe..

"RISK MANAGEMENT CERTIFICATION COURSE"

sounds amazing and massive......but yang ada ngantuuuuukkkk banget a.k.a sleepy always.....

Tapi asik jugalah bisa sekalian refreshing lagi....cuma ada nggak asiknya juga, soalnya aku dari Medan bareng dengan teman kantor yang cewek, udah emak2, tapi umurnya gak jauh2 banget diatas aku.........

Selalu ngajak jalan bareng dia, karena apa, jelas aja karena gak tau jalan2 di Jakarta, kalau dengan aku dia kan bisa kemana2.....

Tapi apa jadinya, gue gak bisa jalan2 sendiri, sama dia terus mulai dari hari Selasa sampai Jum'at malem, yang benar aja..........

Sebel sih, tapi ya mau gimana lagi, gak mungkin juga gue bilang aku gak ikutan ama dia.......dan so pasti, seperti kebiasaan aku, pada saat aku jalan sama orang lain, aku cenderung ikutin kemauan temen jalanku......

pertama, karena gak mau bikin beban sama orang lain dengan mengikuti keinginanku pada saat jalan, jadi ya ikutin kemauan dia aja

kedua, aku gak tenang aja mau beli2 kalo berdua gitu, lebih nyaman kalo sendiri....jadinya ya aku tunggulah sampai dia balik ke Medan hari Sabtu, baru aku jalan sendiri hari Sabtu & Minggu sebelum pulang ke Medan....

Belum lagi gayanya, masa' kemana2 mesti pakai taksi sih, yang bener aja.....taksi kan mahal, geloo juga.....udah bayar taksi 70.000 baru meringis........tapi teuteup juga...

Diajak naik angkot gak mau, takut katanya, diajak naik bajaj meringis..........diajak makan di Sabang atau warung pinggir jalan gak mau juga, alasannya karena takut, takut, and takuuuuuuttt terus........

kalo lagi jalan kemana gitu, suka banget nanya 'masih jauh lagi nih?' atau 'kok jauh kali, perasaan dulu aku nggak jauh2 kali jalannya?'

ihhh......sebel banget aku..........emang gue yang ngerubah2 jalanan......

kemanjaan banget sih nih orang, heran ada orang yang norak & manja kayak gitu........

Payah deh pokoknya, ternyata banyak gak asiknya juga............

coba kayak mbak Dian, kan asik.........

Tapi waktu di Jakarta kemaren itu ada satu momen, about someone, yang membuat apa yang aku yakini selama ini semakin membulat, atau hampir membulat, tinggal 1/4 keyakinan lagi maka titik2 penghubung itu akan bertemu & bulatlah dengan penuh keyakinan itu.........

tapi aku ingin posisinya tetap 3/4, sehingga masih menyisakan space untuk ditelusuri......I bet it would be very nice to know about.........

But I won't tell ya what it is....it will become a terrific experience!!

A LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT

Helloo.....guys!!! How are y'all?!

For all my friend who always read this blog, I'm sorry for not being here, writing for you all about me just for this week...

I'm in Jakarta right now for a course, and I stay at Hotel Santika Slipi, it's very nice.....(and thanks God not in Millenium, cause I will get connected to all the memories if I stay there, bad for me!)

The course will be ended by Friday, and I will get back home on Sunday............

You know, I just have got lunch, and quickly post this column from the network terminal at our training center, hihihihi.....

Yo Jamie, thanks for your email and all for the support, I'll contact you later, ok...

Have a nice day y'all

GOTCHA!

Yeah..yeah..yeah...he called me just a couple of hours ago, not sure for what.......actually he always has something to know or something he needs make him call me, maybe....

first, I didn't wanna pick up my phone when I saw the number +6277121007, it was too long for me to pick it up, but .....it seem I have a good mood today, generousity, happines, so why don't I pick it up, I thought...

but hey...he asked me about traveling to Tanjung Pandan.........hahahhaha........

don't be so busy about that guy.........

you don't have to give notice of that guy,.............I've already known all I wanna know about how to travel to Tanjung Pandan, about the place, about the hotel, about the hotel tariff.......

I've already know baby.......but not from you..........

It's time for me to show him in our conversation that I've known, I knew that there is no plane from Palembang to Tanjung Pandan, I knew that there is boat from Palembang to Tanjung Pandan, I knew.........ok

I showed him by not asking him about Tanjung Pandan anymore..........

I showed him by not telling him what I suppose to be there for..........I said I wanna go there

just for travelling, why should I tell him the real.........nah..
I showed him by talking another topic..........

So give it up baby, I need nothing from you....hehhehe......
I just appreciate your call.................

WHAT A HORRIBLE THING!

It was a morning after briefing, my boss called me to his room and showed something shocked me very much, too much number of money he showed about plane ticket unpaid.

Oh my gosh, this much.....I had have no idea about that......how could that occured??

I just can't help my self on blinking....What on earth can do such a horrible thing like that??

uh-oh, come on baby, it's such a little amusement in this passage of official life..............

"Take it your assignment to find out how it could happened, and you take what would you do with that!!" my boss murmured

Jesus Christ, what am I gonna do with this crook??!

After checking all the account, I've found out so many intrigues in it, and so much number of money take place on it, and everybody who got involved with that gain a number of money.......and it was all about money.............

Jesus, everybody had stolen from my company.................too fade to knew that...........

I wasn't too naif with all this stuff, I knew it happened all the time, and I just don't wanna get involved with that kind, there's nothing to do with that, and I just don't wanna judge anyone......but now I have to do something about it, for the sake of my company........and I can't resist to accomplish it.........

I don't wanna annoy anyone with all the points I've got from tracing the account, but have to proper the stuff circumspectly.........

SOOOOOO HAPPY..!!

I'M SO HAPPY, I'VE GOT WHAT I WANT!!!

DEFLATED

Such a cloudy day! Cold! But thank God my brain still warm, full of plan, job, live, home stuff, travel plan......bla..bla..bla..

Yeahh....I'm gonna take a travel again, if everything's going smooth obviously on August!

That's why last Friday I called Jo, just to asked him somehow I don't know about the place, cause I will take a trip to Tanjung Pandan..........his hometown.....

First I sent him messages, asking about the hotel, and he answered some, but exactly he answered with another question, and such a suspicious question I guess.............

I can take it as a usual thing..........but you know, rather uncomfortable.....

Maybe he suspected me wanna know something about his stuff in Tanjung Pandan, or somekind like that.......really "NO", why should I, I have nothing to do about that........

But ok lah, maybe better for me to speak with him directly by phone.........

and then I called him, the first ok there is no problem......

but then.......I just asked him something I wanna know about that town, I did the same thing when I went to Yogyakarta, Semarang, Bandung, and Tanjung Pinang last couple months......and all my friends answered it without any comment, without asking why, without murmuring, so why should he..........

What the reason gitu loohhhh......it's just answering a question, not really a hard work I guess, but why should he tell me "no need to ask that, just come, and you'll find the town, you can ask everyone.........."

Yeahh.....I know that, I can ask everyone, that's why I ask him, cause I know nobody there......

I just wanna know for sure the situation from his answer all about that town before I arriving the town........but what have I got??!!

After that, all I wanna do is shout in front of his face.........

But, ok........that's such a nice try to me..........we draw, 1-1

I knew already this whole time, that he is such a smug guy..............

I really in hesitate that time when calling him, aku takut dia berpikiran aku punya maksud2 tertentu (sehubungan dengan perasaanku ke dia), aku takut dia anggap aku hanya cari perhatiannya, aku takut dia anggap aku mau ganggu dia, but I should call him, cause nobody I can ask for this time........and the hesitate answered.......

I didn't wanna find any problem with him again, I didn't wanna get anger with him again, cause I really have no right for that, I have nothing to do about that........it's not really good I guess if I did something bad to him, cause we're just friend ......andddd....I'm really nobody to make something bad to him, but sometimes I can't hang on with him......

it's not really the same again like the old day when we were in a good communication.........

I wonder how we made it so nicely at that time, but not a chance for now on............

and I know it's all about the burden I avoid with strong enough.......

If there is a good chance for me to speak with him, I wish I got the best topic to speak, simultanously with the mood........

kalo bisa aku ingin mengesampingkan perasaan tersinggung atas cara bicaranya, atau apalah itu, dan menganggap itu angin lalu, but I'm afraid I can't.......I always offended with his way, don't know why........

Tapi mungkin sikapnya seperti itu layak buatku, karena aku juga cukup "jahat" sama dia, aku selalu gak angkat telpon dari dia, atau mungkin karena aku sering kurang merespon perkataan dia padahal sebenarnya dia ingin ceritakan, gak taulah........atau bahkan karena aku selalu mengeluarkan kata2 marah buat dia.........wajar kali ya........

Tapi aku yakin dia sudah tau kenapa aku bersikap seperti itu, karena semuanya sudah aku ceritakan di blog ini, dan berdasarkan smsnya waktu aku cuti kemaren, dia bilang blogku hebat banget......berarti dia udah baca dong.....dan dengan membaca blogku mungkin dia bisa mengerti kenapa aku seperti itu........bukan untuk berniat jahat, atau berniat tidak baik sama dia.......it's not such an amusement for me......

Ntar kalo aku mencoba bermanis2 lagi ke dia, aku takut dia mengira aku punya maksud2 tertentu, atau pingin mencari perhatian, atau mau mengganggu dia.........

Kadang2....bukan kadang2 sih, pastinya aku selalu serba salah..........

Tapi kalo emang benar dia bersikap begitu karena sikap burukku sama dia.......yahhh let it be like thatlah.......

I JUST DON'T WANNA GET ANY PROBLEM WITH YOU GUY! WHAT EVER IT IS!

Why we can't be so nice again like the old day.........

The answer are all in this blog!! Get through it!!

Apa ini...??!!

Aduuuhhh......bego banget sih aku....

Aku tadi terima telepon dari no hp, aku nggak ingat itu no hp siapa, aku angkat aja teleponnya, ternyata itu JO.....my God..........

kalo telpon dari no 0771xxxxx sih mungkin aku tau itu dari siapa

Lho kok bisa nggak tau itu no siapa sih??

Ya bisalah, minggu lalu gue bersih2 hp, jadi no hp dia aku hapus dari memory hp ku, jadi terhapus juga dari memory otakku.......emang nape??

Trus gimana?!

Ya dia emang telepon untuk menanyakan sesuatu hal yang mungkin dia butuhkan, tapi tadi sempat juga tanya kabar (bener gak tadi nanya kabar ya, lupa gue, tapi ya gitulah), nanya emang kemaren jalan2 kemana, ya udah gue kasih tau aja, gue bilang juga ketemu mas Iwan, and mbak Lita, terus nanya kemaren2 kenapa teleponnya gak dijawab2, udah sekian kali telepon.........

hmmm....(seandainya dikau tau guy!)....ohh ya lagi sombong aja gue bilang........biarin aja, terserah deh........

telepon dia tadi gue angkat juga karena gue gak hapal itu no hp siapa, kalo hapal, gak kuangkat juga kali tadi.......

tapi kasian juga ya....

what???? sanggup2nya gue kasian sama dia karena gak angkat telepon dia, trus gimana sama diri gue sendiri, apa gue kasian..........it hurts me so much, Ta, come on...

Katanya kangen, katanya pengen di telepon sama dia, udah ditelpon masih gak terima juga......kali aja itu karena "bintang ajtuh", gimana sih jeng??!

lho, gue kan gak minta tuh sama dia supaya dia telpon gue, bintang jatuh apaan........, lagian mana gue percaya, I just wish, gue cuma pengen aja, ofcourse karena gue kangen, yeahhh it's true, I miss him so much..........

ok, maybe a part of my body and soul feels very happy tadi waktu terima telpon dia, but the other part feels uncomfortable.......perasaan bersalah, benci, rindu, dendam, jadi satu........

aku menghindari telpon dia, atau berbicara sama dia, just want to keep my soul feels comfortable, tidak terganggu dalam saat2 ini.....

aku cuma berpegang pada pemikiran bahwa aku tidak punya kewajiban untuk kasih kabar ke dia, begitu juga dia tidak punya kewajiban kasih kabar ke aku......

aku nggak punya kewajiban untuk ngobrol dengan dia, dan dia juga nggak punya kewajiban ngobrol dengan aku..........

just think about the time before I met him, sama sekali gue gak pernah kenal dia, I don't even think there is a man named "Yohanes Himawan Widagdo", so.......kenapa harus......anggap aja aku masih belum kenal dia seperti dulu.........

Kangen itu perlahan nanti akan hilang juga, asal gue mencoba terus untuk ngelupain dia........

kesannya kok kejam banget ya, he is your friend, isn't he?? apa lu sanggup bilang dia bukan teman lu Ta, apa lu sanggup bilang kalo lo belum pernah kenal dia sebelumnya.....why don't u be realistic??

ya sih............tapi realita kali ini bikin aku.........gimana ya..........

aku juga nggak mau seperti ini.......kenapa aku lemah dalam permasalahan ini, kenapa tidak seperti biasanya saat aku menghadapi permasalahan, biasanya aku kuat, dan bisa sembuh cukup cepat..........

mungkin karena ini masalah yang terlalu memperjuangkan kepantasan, memperjuangkan hati nurani yang selalu bertolak belakang...

anyway, semoga gue berhasil......

and anyway, thanks..........

BINTANG JATUH

Hey...kemarin malam aku lihat bintang jatuh, pas waktu mau masuk belokan jalan ke rumah pulang dari kantor......

ternyata suamiku juga lihat........awalnya aku bingung apa itu, kalau mercon gak mungkin setinggi itu, dan suaranya juga nggak terdengar, tapi ada cahayanya berwarna kuning kehijauan..........geraknya cepat sekali sampai cahayanya gak kelihatan lagi.....tapi suamiku yang bilang itu bintang jatuh........

seumur hidup baru itu sekalinya aku lihat bintang jatuh, kan katanya kalau ada bintang jatuh dan kita make a wish, pasti terkabul...............

jadi setelah sampe di rumah, ganti baju, aku keluar lagi ke halaman belakang, sambil duduk gue nungguin bintang jatuh lagi sampai kurang lebih 1 jam....

suamiku udah suruh2 aku masuk, udah ngomel2 karena aku ke halaman belakang cuma eehhemmm.....cuma ngelepasi seragam kerja aja.....jadi....cuma pake kaus dalem en panty host alias CD, tapi nggak mempan juga........

eehhh.....ditunggu2 fallin' star nya gak muncul lagi, padahal gua udah nyiapin permohonan gue begitu ngeliat bintang lewat........

hehehhe........kira2 apa sih permohonanmu Ta? serius amat....!!!

apa ya kira2??

yang jelas aku nggak minta duit banyak, aku nggak minta kesejahteraan, atau kesehatan, kekayaan, kebahagiaan, atau yang sejenis itu, kepada bintang jatuh.......aku tau pasti Tuhan memberkati aku berlimpah.....

tapi kalo bintang jatuh lewat lagi........aku pengen mohon..........pffff........

i miss some one, i just wanna hear his voice and bisa ngobrol normal kayak dulu lagi.........

aku cuma pengen minta sama bintang jatuh, aku bisa berteman normal lagi sama Jo, bisa ngobrol sama dia lagi kayak dulu sama Jo, tanpa perasaan apa2........

sekarang aku ngerasa rugi, walaupun ini mungkin yang bisa aku lakukan untuk menjauhkan perasaanku dari dia, tapi aku ngerasa rugi karena jadinya aku nggak bisa lagi ngobrol sama dia, rasanya mungkin kalo ngobrol sama dia jadi aneh........disamping aku kangen aku juga benci sama dia........atau memaksa diriku benci sama dia..........gitulah.......jadinya aneh kan, hanya untuk menolong diriku dari perasaan itu, tapi sementara itu aku juga nggak bisa boong kalo aku kangen...................

tapi bintangnya gak lewat2 lagi........dan aku mengerti apa maknanya.........

"BELUM ADA JUDUL"

Hi, blog, it's so long right......how many day ya i've never been here, missing to tell ya all the events, but seems too exhausted for me,...just thinking of it make me feel.......aaahhhh....tired.......

But today, this morning, is the most beautiful morning i've got this month, the wind blow so nice, the sun rise clearly, the new day the new hopes and the new paradigm,always hope for the different paradigm for the next day......

This week is the most stressfull week for me especially, but amazingly it's not just for me but also for the whole CBC officer....

We feel that there is no blood flow in our body, while our job ask for more, need us to settle them down, and everybody seemed in a hurry, did this, did that, call from head office, call from big boss, you have to do this, you have to do that........call the customer, ask them to fulfill their liability, ask them for their audited financial report, bla..bla..what else???

All I can do is how to enjoy my job, how to handle the high pressure, how to manage the job, which one the first, which the most priority, but...I'm only human, I have emotion, up and down, depends on how I handle it, but sometimes it can't help me so much..........

Sometimes I speak rudely, I mean ofcourse out of my control.........yeaahh...you know, bad mood always have the place on high pressure like that, the most when somebody blame you....uugghhhhh.......just wanna kill him, that's all......but okay.......

And today, maybe influenced by the very good air, and the bright day, everybody in my office seems so happy, yeeahh at least I can see smile on our face, can speak to each other, I can hear laugh over there, no high volume of voice, I can sing again, listening to my mp3, you know jazz for relax, so sweet..........so different from the previous day...........

and the most, I have a special time to write this column, great.........

Sometimes, when I think about this all, I feel so tired.......

How longer will I take this, how longer will I gonna be like this, what am I looking for in my life make me work like a crazy person, sometimes don't have enough time for myself and my husband??

Who am I gonna defence, Mandiri, or my self, my husband, my stomach, my future??

Alright, it's about a choice, and really a hard choice I guess........

And I also think, it's just about the time!!

I believe and I know, that everybody wants a better life than the day before, and everybody should do their best for themselves, their family, their future...................so do I!!

I have a dream, one day, in my 40th, I retired with a fix business, I can do it from home............

Or even a dream, that one day, I retired in my 40th with billion money in our pocket, just enjoy this life by travelling all around the world with my husband.........so nice,.......until the day going down, rest in piece!!

Voila...............alright, it's just a dream I'm looking forward, and hope God bless me!!!

Ok......but yesterday, when I got lunch with Noriko at Spice Garden Sun Plaza, I met Markus lunch there too with his friends.....who is Markus??

hahahaha, he is my ex boy friend when I was at college.........

And Noriko got a stranger feeling, she asked me,"Itu beneran bekas pacar lo??"

"he..eh"

"Kok lo biasa2 aja, kok gak salah tingkah??"

What?? Salah tingkah? Kenapa aku harus salah tingkah?? Emang penting ya salah tingkah di depan mantan pacar??

It's goddamned funny Noriko........but I understand her meaning in asking that.......

I'm a bit different with others perhaps, but it's just okay..........

but the real fact I feel sorry for Markus, cause I did a bad thing the old day when we were still being "lover"

Exactly I didn't love him, I didn't have feeling at all for him, and exactly it was just a game with my friend, who gonna get Markus as boy friend, we will pay the lunch for the winner for a month...........and surely I was the winner karena kenekatanku menyatakan cinta padanya.........oh no, seorang Markus untuk ganti makan siang gratis sebulan, gile...

Markus was a good boy, handsome, and I guess too good to be through........

Maybe some guys tell me that I'm lucky being his girlfriend, but not so for me................

We being through as lover just for 6 months, after that "so long baby", I have to cut this relationship, I can't hang on anymore, so we separate......aku yang jadiin aku juga yang mutusin

6 months he believes in my feeling, but 6 months I can't hang on with the situation, controversial, I've never been ready to make a relationship, just for fun, just become friend, not seriously.................

Exactly he is a good guy, care, and always call me, but never got me at Saturday night, cause I always gave him 1000 reasons for being alone..................

I thank God, he doesn't know that, he doesn't know about the gambling, hahahahhahah.........

But yesterday I met him, I saw him not the same person like the old day, where is the handsome, it's gone.........

But thank God he's alive, save and sound, hehehhehhee...........

And he told me, he has married, and already divorce..........what?? divorce??

I had no time yesterday to ask the reason of the divorce, but I think better not.............let it be his own problem!

So sorry, but......I have go back to my office, back to work, so let it be................

MARRIAGE

What is a marriage??

Katanya sih, pernikahan itu adalah lembaga yang menyatukan 2 hati anak manusia dari yang terpisah-pisah menjadi satu jiwa dan satu daging

Ada juga yang bilang tempat bertautnya 2 hati yang saling mencinta......

dan entah apa lagilah.......................

Menunjuk perihal di atas, hehehhe.......surat kalee......aku gak ngerti kenapa sekitar 2-3 tahun belakangan ini keinginanku untuk kembali hidup sendiri sangat kuat, that's why keinginanku untuk tinggal di Jakarta lagi semakin kuat...............

aku ingin hidup sendiri, aku ingin hidup mandiri, aku ingin..............sendiri, huuuhhhhh.....susah banget rasanya mengatakan alasan kenapa aku pengen hidup sendiri, yang jelas salah satunya mungkin karena dari kecil aku sudah terbiasa hidup sendiri, aku orang yang tidak terlalu bisa bersosialisasi terlebih dengan orang yang dari awal aku sudah tidak ingin bersosialisasi.................

aku sudah sempat sekian puluh tahun nyaman dengan situasi aku yang anak tunggal, tidak punya kakak, tidak punya adik, tidak ada yang mengganggu aku..........

itu baru salah satunya, belum lagi salah dua nya..............

Is there anything wrong with you and your husband??

????!!!!!!!!!!!.............actually nothing...........I mean there is and there was nothing crucial problem between us, masalah bertengkar biasa kali ya, I love my husband, and my husband loves me, bahkan mungkin cintanya suamiku ke aku lebih besar dari cintaku ke dia..........itu yang aku rasakan, aku sering merasa bersalah sama suamiku kalo aku melakukan hal2 yang mungkin bisa saja tidak mengenakkan hatinya.............

aku merasa masih kurang dalam memberi dan menyenangkan hati suamiku............aku merasa terlalu keras terhadap suamiku yang terlalu lembuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt..................

pertengkaran kami seringnya berkisar hal2 salah omong, atau suamiku lambat ngerti, atau suamiku gak tegas pada saat marah, atau dia marah ke aku kalo aku pake celana tidur dibawah pinggul jadi perut keliatan, atau kalau aku males makan, atau kalau beli sesuatu seneng belinya aja, tapi gak dipakai, atau kalau aku coba masak tapi gagal, gue pasti cari2 apa dan siapa yang bisa disalahi, ya otomatis suamiku dong...........yah berkisar2 itu aja sih..............tapi pernah juga sekali tengkar besar karena aku ngerasa mertuaku terlalu manja, terlalu minta diperhatiin dan menilai perhatianku dari uang......uang....uang............aku marah besar disitu, aku merasa dimanfaatkan...............

jadi sebenarnya gak ada masalah besar antara kami...........

tapi aku mungkin tertekan dengan masalah2 yang berada disekeliling kami, orang tuaku.........mertuaku........ipar2ku.........

dari awal aku memang udah males bergaul akrab dengan ipar2ku, dengan anak2 dari iparku, aku gak suka, dan aku gak bisa bersosialisasi seperti itu...................

aku gak suka ikut2 perkumpulan marga atau apalah itu namanya.............karena aku merasa aku gak mendapatkan manfaat dari kumpul2 itu, yang ada mereka hanya memaksakan kehendak mereka terhadap aku...........no way........

aku gak suka ikut2 pertemuan2 atau pesta2 adat........untuk apa, aku hidup di zaman modern, apa perlunya lagi adat............adat itu kan dulu merupakan tatanan hidup untuk satu komunitas karena zaman dulu belum ada hukum dan pemerintahan, tapi sekarang mau apa sih dengan adat........sementara aku sudah hidup berTuhan, bernegara.........

aku gak suka diatur berapa sumbangan yang harus aku berikan untuk kemalangan, tapi dengan adat, dengan segala tetek bengek menempatkan aku pada posisi supaya aku memberi lebih banyak.......gila.......aku gak mau diatur seperti itu...............

itulah sebagian yang mengelilingi kehidupan aku, mau tak mau aku harus mengikuti itu, dan aku gak mau mengikuti itu.....................

emang kenapa kalau aku tidak berada pada komunitas itu, emang kenapa kalau aku bilang aku gak suka sama mereka, aku gak mau gabung mereka........................

itu mungkin salah duanya.........

aku tau aku terlalu egois, that's me, aku gak mau pusing, aku mau menjalani hidupku sesuai keinginan aku, bukan sesuai keinginan orang...............................

bagaimana kalau mereka semua kupaksa ikut selera dan kemauan aku, apa mereka mau........bulshit!!!

tapi lemahnya aku pada saat aku berada di tengah2 orang lain, aku cenderung mengikuti maunya orang, karena aku tidak ingin menjadi beban orang......................jadi gimana dong.........

ya sudah, untuk lepas dari ketidaknyamanan itu semua, bukankah hidup sendiri itu lebih nikmat??

begitulah kalau pernikahan dipaksa untuk dilembagakan, segalanya mau tak mau harus dilakukan.............

aku berpikir, apakah aku menjadi salah satu pendukung hidup bersama tanpa ikatan nikah seperti di budaya barat sana...........

kalau aku tidak suka, aku tinggal pergi tinggalkan pasanganku saja.........

apa yang salah dengan hidup bersama tanpa menikah?? permasalahannya hanya terletak di ikatan janji di hadapan Tuhan..........itu yang tidak ada..........

bagaimana kalau aku mau hidup bersama dengan cowok, tapi aku nggak ingin diikat janji di hadapan Tuhan.........

apa berarti orang yang menikah di gereja, ikat janji di hadapan Tuhan, tapi beberapa tahun ke depan ternyata mereka bercerai, apakah itu ingkar janji sama Tuhan??

hmmm.........yah susah ya..........makanya amannya ya hidup sendiri, tidak harus menyakiti orang2 disekitar kita, tidak berdosa dihadapan Tuhan..........

bagaimana dengan kehidupan biologismu??

mmmm...........apa itu yang utama dalam hidup, aku yakin banyak hal yang bisa aku lakukan untuk menggantikan hal yang satu itu..............(tetap aja ya gue merasa kuat, heran deh!!!)

akkhhhhhhh..........sudahlah, itu cuma pikiranku saja, apa bisa???

WEEKEND

Monday.........duuuhhh maleeesssss banget tadi pagi bangun, Monday gitu loohh.....

Why baby, what's wrong with Monday???

mmmm.....exactly nothing, it ain't about wrong, true, mistake, or what, it's just because it comes after the weekend, doesn't it?

and beside, it was a very very lonesome weekend, cause I got no one beside me, and it was rain all day long, so was the sunday........

pada saat2 seperti itulah perasaan itu datang, I wish JO called me or even just got his message, I miss in hearing the ring tone from his number, but ofcourse there won't be, cause I've deleted them all......tapi apapun itu kemaren aku masih mengharapkan aku mendengar kembali suara message dari dia..........

bahkan gue sempat terpikir, kenapa minggu yang lalu waktu tlp dari area Tanjung Pinang tlp gue sampai 3 hari berturut2 gue gak angkat, mungkin ada sesuatu yang mau disampaikan sama dia........

tapi........ahhh paling dia telpon krn gua sms dia dari batam bilang tanjung pinang ok juga......

kalo emang ada yang mendesak, dia kan bisa telepon ke kantor, or kirim sms, ya nggak seeehh...

mmm....mungkin pulsanya abis, makanya gak bisa sms........

oh iya ya......waktu gue baru nyampe jakarta pas cuti kemaren dia emang sms gue (like I told in the previous story), kali itu pulsa terakhir, biasanya belakangan kalo dia sms ke aku kayaknya pulsa2 penghabisan deh......hehehhehe......

yacchh......gak apa2 sih, suka2 hati dialah........emang gue pikirin!!!

tuuiiinnnggg.....buktinya itu lo pikirin, gimana sih lo Ta??

emang, tapi kan gue gak mikirin teknisnya, gue cuma bilang I wish he called me or message me, I just wish, ngerti gak seeehhh........

wish itu artinya cuma pengen, tapi kalo nggak juga gak apa2, clear??

pengen apa pengen?????????????????

hahahahahha.....................................(blushing cheek!!)

gue ngerasa kadang2 gue psycho juga ya, mau melupakan tapi mengharapkan.........that was all what I think about last Saturday....all around my room..........

yeahh, tapi gue gak bisa gini terus......dulu2 juga gak pernah ada sms dia, gak ada masalah...........

bahkan dulu sebelum sdp gak kenal tuh makhluk manis (ppbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrr...!!) yang namanya YOHANES HIMAWAN WIDAGDO, ya kan, hoohh.....come on wake up and get up!!!

ok deh, mending gue lanjut baca novel aja..........like always all about the law............

bosan baca, gue turn on tv, nonton film terus sampe malem, sampe gue tidur........

tapi gue heran, sepanjang sabtu itu yang gue baca dan film yang gue tonton semuanya cerita yang berhubungan dengan masalah hukum..........

ketakutan seorang pengacara wanita dalam menjalani hidupnya yang sering mendapat teror dari penjahat yang dia tuntut, seorang laki2 yang dipenjara selama 14 thn, setelah bebas malah mencari pengacaranya dulu untuk membalas dendam karena merasa pembelaannya tidak maksimal, seorang dosen teater membunuh beberapa orang pengacara karena merasa dendam anak istrinya tewas sementara penjahatnya bebas, and so on........

belum lagi berita2 dari stasiun tv semuanya banyak yang berhubungan dengan masalah hukum..........seorang ibu membunuh 3 org anak kandungnya di margahayu bandung, dengan motif awal karena kesulitan ekonomi, ada anak SMP menjual sepupunya yang masih berumur 5 tahun supaya bisa dapat uang untuk melanjutkan sekolah.........

pedih amat ya...............................sampai sebegitu sadisnya kah??!!

hal itu jadi muter2 juga di kepalaku, aku bisa memaklumi kesulitan ekonomi belakangan ini, bisa jadi aku bisa juga memaklumi kesulitan si ibu yang bunuh anaknya, tapi kalau tau sulit kenapa gak cari kerja, jd pembantu kek, tukang cuci kek, tukang pijet kek..........kok enaknya aja ngelahirin anak trus dibunuh sendiri, gue aja belum dapet2 anak tauuuuuuuuu..........

hukum........aku gak tau kenapa aku sangat menggemari novel yang berhubungan dengan masalah hukum, terutama sistem peradilan di Amerika, Agatha Christy, John Grisham, Joy Fielding, rasanya asik aja mengetahui sistem peradilan disana yang dipaparkan dengan detail sekali, tapi di belahan dunia manapun muara hukum itu adalah menemukan kebenaran, mencari keadilan, tapi terlalu banyak yang memutarbalikkan hukum itu sendiri bahkan oleh praktisinya sendiri, sesuatu yang benar bisa saja salah, yang salah bisa saja menjadi benar, hanya dengan pemilihan kata2 yang tepat, dan tergantung berada di posisi yang mana, pembelakah atau penuntut..........bahkan yang aku pikir kejahatan yang gak perlu dikasih pembela, itu tetap bisa dibela dengan dalih HAM...................

dan herannya juga, pemilihan juri di Amerika pun bisa diputarbalikkan, bisa diselimuti oleh intrik, bisa dimasuki oleh orang yang punya tujuan berbeda, hanya agar bisa memenangkan satu perkara.........

trus apa arti kemenangan pengacara atas satu perkara, yeaahh........nama baik dan uang!

kalau gitu........mana hukum & keadilannya dong??!!

hey..hey.....waduhhhhh, jadi ngelantur nih.......tapi itulah yang aku jalani pada sabtu mendung yang lalu..........

sambil baca........mikir...........sambil nonton............mikir................

apa lagi yang bisa aku buat..............

itulah yang bisa membunuh kesunyian, membunuh perasaan yang melantur entah kemana...........

sampai malem, sampai aku tidur, pikiran2 itu masih berputar2 di kepalaku........................

tapi minggu pagi aku bangun dengan perasaan yang nggak enak................

I got a dream, ketemu sama mas Jo dan putrinya yang bontot, entah apa dan bagaimana ceritanya gue ketemuan, dengan baik hati aku bantuin mas Jo gendong putrinya karena mas Jo ada kerjaan lain, tapi..............tiba2 istri mas Jo dateng, putrinya diambil dari tanganku dan wajah anak itu dipukuli sama istri mas Jo sampai nangis, tangannya ditarik2, apa yang aku buat...........nothing, aku cuma kaget dan gak nyangka kedatangannya.......dan aku sama sekali tidak melakukan apa2, diam di tempat melihat anak itu dipukuli..........emang apa yang bisa kubuat, itu anak, anaknya dia, dan gue tidak melakukan sesuatu yang salah terhadap anak itu...............so terbangunlah gue dengan perasaan yang gak enak banget..........ngeri juga........dan herannya juga mas Jo juga tidak melakukan apa2 terhadap anaknya, dia biarkan aja istrinya mukulin tuh anak, kesian juga..............

tapi aku gak mau tau apa maksudnya, aku mikir paling itu karena gue dari kemaren mikir dia, baca mengenai hukum, dan entah apa lagi........................

gue cuma mau menormalkan perasaan gue lagi, setelah normal baru gue tenang lagi...............gue ke gereja........dan anehnya gue doain putri mas Jo yang kecil, abis gue kesian banget liatnya, tapi gue yakin pasti gak ada apa2lah, mana mungkin gue yang ngimpi yang kejadian di tanjung pinang, yang logis aja cing.............

tapi ini bukan mimpi jelek pertama aku yang melibatkan mas Jo di dalamnya, udah beberapa kali...................

oh yeaahhhhhhhhh.....................

MISSING....

yeaaahh.......missing.......
lonely..........
sadness.......
happines.....
anger..........
blended!!

PARTY!

What's wrong with a party??!!
No, nothing's wrong with that, I bet it will be very interesting........
But I always have a problem with a party.......for sure........
There will be panic attack on my mind...............
Woooww, how could be???
I always confuse how to attend a party or an invitation.........cause I can't find a very interesting stuff to put on, like wardrobe, or how to perform nicely......

There are 3 invitations for me this weekend, gue bingung, gue mesti gimana, baju apa yang mesti gua pakai, pernak pernik apa yang mesti gue pakai, aduuuuhhhhh.................
Gua gak punya pakaian pesta, cuma ada kebaya married gue, itu juga gak tau lagi dimana aku simpan, ntah masih ada ntah gak lagi........
Aduuuhhhh......Pitta, ini mah cuma pesta biasa, pesta temen elo?? Gimana sih?
Iyaaaa..........tapi, waiittt...................
ya tetap gak ada juga yang layak dipakai untuk ke pesta, ntar gue pasti aneh sendiri, yang lain pada perfect semua, gua biasa2 aja..........

Apa aku mesti nggak dateng lagi, berapa banyak lagi undangan yang gak kuhadiri, sementara mereka sudah dengan senang hati mengundang aku???
Ahhhh........bodo akhh, emang gue pikiri...............

MY GOOD FRIEND

Wooow..new look ya......more fresh for me..

I hope it would influence my heart, my feeling............influence to get better than yesterday

Day by day, this blog becomes a very wonderful new good friend for me........how come??!

Absolutely, I can write whatever I want, whatever I feel, whatever I think, without anyone giving any comment.......

it's really comfortable, this blog always listen to me, never interrupt me, give me freedom to do like I would......

hahahahahhaha........

That's why I want it looks beautiful, as beautiful as I thought it is........

Actually, my heart feels uncomfortable.........maybe because it's cloudy today, a little bit cold, make me feels asleep, but I think it's not the real reason........

I just thought about it this whole day, and I'm not really sure for the uncomfortable reason.......................

But finally I know, that was all because the call.........

Today is the third day, JO (or maybe someone else) from the area +62771xxxx call me......., there are 6 missed call, 2 missed call per day.........

maybe it was him, maybe not, I don't wanna make sure myself....

I don't know what he gonna tell me or speak, I'm not sure why he call me........the fact I never pick the phone.....I get it into my drawer when it rang.............

I really don't have any courage to answer, although I'm not really sure that it was him........I just assumed it was him........

Why did u scare??!! He is your friend Pitta............

I know, I'm not that scare exactly, but as I told before I wanna keep my soul, and let me do it my way..........

Maybe this is the way for now on, I don't know for the next..........

For what reason,haaa???!!

Let me feel better, aku mau semua perasaan yang tidak seharusnya aku rasakan sedikit demi sedikit bisa mereda, dan akhirnya menghilang...........mungkin dengan tidak mendengar suaranya lagi, aku bisa lebih baikan............

The ringtone especially for him sudah aku delete, the SMS ringtone especially for him juga sudah aku delete, at least the stuff that can make me remember him, I have deleted them all........

Kalaupun aku harus kehilangan dia sebagai teman, maybe it will be better, I don't know........

I have to think about myself, and I don't wanna regret all the things that ever done.........and I wanna do it my self...

Exactly, I felt guilty not answering his phone.....

Dulu, kalau nomor itu menghubungi aku, aku girangnya bukan main, time for listening his voice.......

but now, no more, hurt me!!

But, let me do my way.....................